I felt like a failure as a mom.
In a few days, my four oldest children were going to a public school for the very first time. We had been homeschooling our kids for the last 7 years, but because of my continuing struggles with depression and anxiety, my husband and I had decided that it was time for me to have a “sabbatical” and that our kids would go to school for a semester. Sadly, homeschooling doesn’t really work when mom frequently has a hard time getting out of bed until noon.
Pam, a wonderful mentor of mine came over to see how I was doing. She asked me, “April, what are you teaching your kids through this?” “Besides that their mom is a failure?” I replied. Pam took issue with that answer. “April, you are teaching your kids to be brave, to try new things, to make new friends, to have new experiences, and to be lights in a dark world.”
“April, you are teaching your kids to be brave, to try new things, to make new friends, to have new experiences, and to be lights in a dark world.”
The truth is, we had been feeling nudges from the Lord to get involved with our local public school long before we made the decision to move forward. At times, I would drive past the school on the way into town and wonder how many of those students knew Jesus. I had neighbors whose children were inviting students from this school to church. I heard stories that broke my heart of difficult home lives for some of the students.
Certain Bible verses stood out to me:
“How, then, can they call on him they have not believed in? And how can they believe without hearing about him? And how can they hear without a preacher? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news.’”
Romans 10:14-15
“Then he said to his disciples, ‘The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.’” Matthew 9:37-38
Our own children had expressed a solid faith and had a good foundation in a biblical worldview for their age. Wouldn’t we be able to spread the love and light of Jesus at that school?
When we first talked with the oldest two daughters about going to school, they were slightly terrified. My oldest, Anna, said, “What if the kids don’t like me?” Our two boys took the news easier. In the end, the excitement of new backpacks and school supplies won them all over. We prayed with and for them the night before their first day of school.
I dropped off my 4 school-age children, grades K, 2, 4, and 6, for their very first day of public school. Thankfully, that first day there also happened to be a Moms in Prayer meeting a friend told me about. I headed straight there with our 3-year-old. I cried softly throughout the entire prayer time. Pouring my heart out to God with a group of godly women praying for their own children as well, gave me the peace I needed to get through the day. I couldn’t wait until 3pm to pick up my children and see how it went. When I arrived at the school, my daughter, who was so worried the kids wouldn’t like her, came walking out surrounded by a group of girls her age. I was so thankful.
Pouring my heart out to God with a group of godly women praying for their own children as well, gave me the peace I needed to get through the day.
My faith grew while praying with other women at the weekly Moms in Prayer meetings. I was able to talk about my depression and anxiety. While our kids were in school that semester, we talked each night about their day. We prayed for protection, for learning, and for classmates and teachers. Being in the school allowed us to interact with our community, one of the poorest counties in Oklahoma. My children saw for the first time how blessed they are to have the things we do and to have parents who care, love, and engage. They had classmates who cussed and stole from each other and were disrespectful. They also made some wonderful friends. The following school year, two of our kids came back home to homeschool, while the other two remained at the public school.
We had opportunities to shine the light and love of Jesus that we never would have had if our children did not go to that school:
- During her 8th grade year, one of my daughter’s classmates came to live with us for four months while her mom was in jail. Our hearts broke when she showed up to our house with one small sack of belongings.
- When our son was in middle school, he started a Bible study with his classmates during recess and saw one of his classmates put his faith in Jesus.
- Our kids became comfortable being around kids who aren’t like them. Our prayers for them deepened as we saw the opportunities grow.
Regardless of whether families are called to homeschool, private school, or public school, believers are called to be lights in the darkness. I know families who do it well wherever their kids are educated. They are leading See You at the Pole gatherings, sharing the gospel at hometown festivals, starting after school and neighborhood Bible clubs, visiting nursing homes, and taking their kids on mission trips around the world.
We are called to shine the light of Jesus wherever we go and wherever he calls us! Stepping into the public school for us taught not only my children to be brave and trust God, it also taught me! I learned that my struggles with depression and anxiety could cause me to rely closer on the Lord and to reach out for help when I need it. With the help of my doctor and counseling, my emotional struggles are managed, and I am thankful. I learned that in my weakness, the Lord can still work. In my weakness, he is strong.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Pray With Me
Heavenly Father, I ask you to comfort the mom who feels like a failure. Give her the ability to trust your plan for her and her children. Give her wisdom and strength as she relies on you for direction. Bring mentors to guide and comfort her. Give us opportunities to shine the love and light of Jesus in whatever areas of darkness that you call us to. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
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April Graney is the mother of five grown children, a wife of 30 years, a children’s book author, and a middle school English teacher at Cookson Hills, a children’s home and school for at-risk students in Oklahoma. She is a graduate of Dallas Theological Seminary and the author of 3 children’s books. She wrote her newest book, If Jesus Came to My School, to encourage parents of children who are sharing the love and light of Jesus in their schools. A parent and classroom activity resource for If Jesus Came to My School is available on her website aprilgraney.com.