Guiding Girls to Authenticity & Faith
Girls learn from a young age to put their worth in the hands of others.
She sat perfectly still and quiet in church while her brother made a fuss? Good girl. Got the highest grade in the class? Good girl. Made every team she’s ever tried out for? Good girl.
But what happens when the expectation of perfection becomes a sort of plague and being the “good girl” becomes less of a compliment and more of a constraint in her road to building resiliency? Afterall, a good girl never falters, and a good girl is always perfect. See the problem here?
Research shows that, in general, girls struggle with perfectionism more than their male counterparts[1]. Spend time on social media and you’ll see common “syndromes” invented by posters—like Good Girl Syndrome[2], Perfect Girl Syndrome[3], or even Eldest Daughter Syndrome[4]. At its core, this deep longing for perfection is an obsession with control. We know that we cannot control and perfect every piece of our life; it is a fruitless pursuit.
At its core, this deep longing for perfection is an obsession with control.
The plague of perfectionism among Christian girls is pervasive and troubling, stemming from societal pressures, cultural expectations, and sometimes even misinterpretations of Christian teachings on holiness and Christ-likeness. For girls desperate to achieve perfection, the reality that the human race is fallen and requires a Savior can be forgotten, blotting out their personal desire for the restoration only Jesus can bring.
For girls without an identity deeply rooted in Christ, the expectation of high moral standards gets conflated with achieving spiritual perfection, leading to the unrealistic expectation that perfection is attainable. But believers know that God’s people don’t need to achieve perfection in order to live a spiritually healthy life. Instead, we must guide our girls to remember that God doesn’t expect perfection, just repentance, which requires each of us to acknowledge that we aren’t perfect.
This plague of perfectionism often spills into all facets of a girl’s life—her faith walk, her academic pursuits, her athletic acumen, her self-confidence, and even her body image. (In fact, research shows that young women with self-identified perfectionistic concerns tend to struggle more with eating disorder symptoms[5].) The fear of falling short of these lofty, perfect standards can lead girls to experience feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and self-doubt. Some girls may even go as far as to self-sabotage through procrastination or making excuses, since never trying is “better” than trying and falling short of perfection.
The fear of falling short of these lofty, perfect standards can lead girls to experience feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and self-doubt.
For a girl early in her walk with Christ, internalizing the belief that she must constantly achieve perfection to earn God’s love and acceptance perpetuates a cycle of self-criticism when she (naturally) falls short. This unhealthy perfectionistic mindset not only undermines her self-esteem but also hinders her ability to admit her shortcomings, learn from failures, and experience genuine growth and authenticity in her faith journey.
To combat the plague of perfectionism, it’s crucial for communities of Christian families and parents to emphasize grace, self-compassion, and the inherent worth of individuals in the Creator’s eyes. (Find this in the Bible, reference Genesis 1:27, Psalm 139:13-16, and Matthew 10:29-31) Encouraging girls to acknowledge their limitations and extend grace to themselves (and others!) can foster a healthier mindset rooted in faith. By nurturing an environment of acceptance, vulnerability, and growth in your home, your daughter can find freedom from the pressures of perfectionism and experience the joy and fulfillment of living authentically in God’s infinite, merciful love. Plus, you can seek out communities outside of your home, like an American Heritage Girls Troop, where other trusted adults can pour these same virtues into your girl and continue to build her self-confidence and resilience skills!
If your daughter struggles with perfectionist tendencies, take action. Next time she gets a high grade or meets a goal on her first attempt, stop yourself from meeting her accomplishment with a “Good girl!” Instead, ask her, “How does this make you feel about yourself?” or “I’m proud of your accomplishment, but I’m even more proud of you for trying!” Reinforce that while achievement is worth celebrating, her inherent worth doesn’t lie in her perfectionism. In preparation for future failures, build a mindset of resilience by shifting the focus from the achievement and onto her effort and character in times of success.
[1] ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8424040 [2] health.clevelandclinic.org/good-girl-syndrome [3] eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ1091761 [4] theatlantic.com/family/archive/2023/11/first-born-children-eldest-daughter-family-dynamics/675986 [5] pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27342414
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For nearly thirty years, Patti Garibay has been at the forefront of countering the culture by leading girls and women to create lives of integrity. She is the founder and executive director of American Heritage Girls (AHG), a national Christ-centered leadership and character development program. She helps thousands of girls discover their identity and purpose in Christ through AHG’s transformative programming. With fearlessness and authenticity, Patti inspires and motivates audiences with her wisdom and experience with raising godly girls, following God’s calling, and teaching youth to serve. She is the host of the Raising Godly Girls® daily one-minute radio feature found on over one thousand radio stations across the nation and hosts the Raising Godly Girls Podcast® launched in January 2024. Through her work with AHG, Patti continues to create innovative ways to break barriers in reaching girls for Christ amid today’s culture.